30 Days and change: Day 26

Day Twenty-Six: Name one insecurity you have about yourself. Now tell a story about where that insecurity was born or how it has affected your life.

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This is easy; as much as I have accomplished, as much as I can sit in rooms with the likes of AVPs, CEOs, and more, intelligence is my biggest insecurity. This insecurity was born in the 3rd grade. I’ll never forget that year; it shifted the way school felt, the way I felt about school and something in my brain that made me think I just wasn’t smart. I’ll never forget my mom visiting the school several times during that year around my academic performance. All of what still seems a bit like a blur, but I remember hearing the conversation about being held back as a potential result.

At home, I read and engaged in musical activities, singing and playing the piano (also taking lessons with Mrs. Berry). I recorded my radio shoes on countless cassette tapes and drew, painted, and crafted most of my childhood. But that year really held on to me. In undergrad, I felt unsmart, lacking the basic necessities required to “do” college right, resulting in my own demise for the first two years, with a GPA so low I almost didn’t keep my enrollment. Out of fear, it turned me into a hermit, afraid to engage with others, ask for her, or know I even needed it. Plainly, I think I was even unsure how to ask for it. It wasn’t until my choir director Dr. DaVaughn Miller verbally slapped some sense into me, showing me my own value in the space and all places, that I finally began to get my shit together.

Even now and again, when I do hard things, that small 3rd-grade Torian still exists and still shows up confused and frightened that I am somehow not good enough. I do a lot of talking to him and the 33-year-old Torian, letting him know that you are enough, taking a break is okay, and not knowing is okay, too.